The Colbert Report - Season 5 / Year 2009

Stephen congratulates John King and the rest of the media on getting Obama elected.

Matt Miller says the government must make sure we have basic securities like health care and pensions.

Benicio Del Toro talks about meeting Castro to prepare for "Che."

Lawrence Lessig says the outdated copyright laws have turned our kids into criminals.

Anthony Romero believes it will be a huge mistake if Barack Obama doesn't close Guantanamo immediately.

Niall Ferguson explains how money is a relationship between a creditor and a debtor.

Alan Khazei explains to Stephen why anybody would do something for someone else and not get paid for it.

David Gregory believes the press will hold Obama's feet to the fire in the same way all presidents ought to be challenged. Shepard Fairey's "Hope" poster belongs to everyone.

Frank Rich says George W. Bush delivers a message of hope for mediocrity.

Jabari Asim thinks Barack Obama is an opportunity for us to redefine ourselves as a country.

Elizabeth Alexander explains to Stephen the difference between a metaphor and a lie.

Jon Meacham thinks Andrew Jackson would have loved YouTube.

Chris Mooney thinks scientists are going to be much closer to Barack Obama than they were to George W. Bush. Pastor Ed Young believes more sex will help marriages.

Philippe Petit isn't courageous -- he's following his passion.

Paul McCartney explains how to hunt vegetables. Denis Dutton says art is a tool for propagating.

John Podesta believes that in the last nine days Barack Obama has shown he can make progress.

Stephen is angry with Dan Zaccagnino for allowing Indaba Music users to remix his interview.

Henry Louis Gates, Jr. says Abraham Lincoln was always against slavery, but he wasn't a fan of black people.

Stephen explodes after Steve Martin walks through his eyeline.

James Surowiecki says the Democrats are using the financial crisis to push through programs that are in the long-term interest of Americans. Jonah Lehrer talks about finding a balance between the rational and the emotional in decision-making.

Colbert then interviews TV on the Radio about their career. 

Robert Ballard explains why ocean exploration is a good investment.

Eleanor Holmes Norton will give Stephen a key to DC when residents get their voting rights. Stephen wonders if putting your genome on the Internet is like posting the social security number that God gave you.

David Ross and Ed Colbert debate the copyright issues surrounding Shepard Fairey's Obama poster. Adam Gopnik claims that faith and fear no longer rule our lives because of Abraham Lincoln and Charles Darwin.

Father Jim Martin believes an economic recession lowers people's defenses, making it easier for God to break through. Helen Fisher describes what happens to your brain when you're in love.

Cliff Sloan believes that Marbury v. Madison is significant because it established the rule of law.

Mayor John Fetterman believes Braddock, PA is a great place to spend some of the stimulus money.

Stephen wants to know how Kris Kristofferson can be a country musician and a liberal at the same time.

Late at night, who does David Byrne fear David Byrne is?

Mark Bittman says we eat without thinking about what is good for us, and what's good for the planet.

Carl Wilson tries to understand the popularity of Celine Dion in "Let's Talk About Love."

Steven Johnson talks about Joseph Priestley, the man who first realized that plants actually create the oxygen we breathe.

Lisa Hannigan sewed the cover, liner notes and lyrics of her album "Sea Sew."

Stephen asks William Gerstenmaier to commit to naming the space module "Colbert," if he wins the online vote. Jay Keasling says the same yeast that we use to produce beer and bread will soon be fueling our cars and planes.

Howard Fineman believes Americans were born and bred to argue.

Simon Johnson explains why America's economy resembles an unstable, emerging market. Peter Singer urges Stephen to give money to poor people rather than enjoying it himself.

Jonathan Chait believes the New Deal was successful because it eased people's misery. Neil Gaiman replaces being scared of dead people with being afraid of living people in his new book "The Graveyard Book."

David Grann follows the footsteps of an explorer searching for a lost civilization.

Juan Cole doesn't advocate a soft approach, but he wants to take the Muslim world's views into account.

John McCardell believes the current drinking age law drives alcohol consumption out of public view, putting young people at greater risk.

Stephen handles Derrick Pitt's replica of Galileo's telescope with special magic gloves.

David Plotz learned that the Bible is a lot messier than what they teach in Sunday school.

Dambisa Moyo wants to focus on long-term growth for Africa instead of temporary solutions.

Twitter co-founder Biz Stone, one of America's preeminent Twits, discusses the company's popularity and business model.

Tom Brokaw believes Barack Obama appeared very presidential at the G20 Summit. Rich Lowry wants Republican principles to stay the same, but the application to change.

Queen Noor will only knight Stephen after he signs the Global Zero declaration.

Stephen asks Phil Bronstein if the death of newspapers and journalistic oversight will begin a golden age of corruption.

Stephen discusses Bart Ehrman's theory that the Bible contradicts itself.

However far the space station goes, Stephen's treadmill will always have gone a few miles more. If Susie Orbach drops five pounds, she could be talking about her book "Bodies" on The Daily Show.

It takes real courage for Jim Lehrer to be boring five nights a week on television.

Kanishk Tharoor describes India's beautifully choreographed dance of democracy. Douglas Kmiec doesn't want the state to adopt any religion's perspective and impose it on Americans.

Second Mate Ken Quinn and Stephen are returning to sea to hunt pirates in a two-man paddleboat. Sheriff Joe Arpaio denies that he focuses too much on illegal immigration.

Mike Krzyzewski differentiates between teamwork and socialism.

Stephen wants to know if Ira Glass will be just as lifeless hosting a live cinema performance as he is on the radio.

Elizabeth Bintliff brings along Daisy the Cow to promote Heifer International, an organization that delivers livestock to developing countries.

Colin Meloy describes The Decemberists' latest album by listing influences Stephen's never heard of.

Richard Engel shares with Stephen the customary tip for a soldier who saves your life. Daniel Gross urges rich cable TV personalities to buy steaks, cigars and whiskey.

David Kessler wants to save lives by getting Americans to eat less.

Jonathan Alter tells Stephen how Obama's first 14 Mondays stack up against FDR's. Ethan Nadelmann wants to remove marijuana from the criminal justice system and put it into the taxation and regulation systems.

J.J. Abrams reveals clues to Stephen's Persian Gulf mystery before Romulan Stephen demands revenge.

Cliff Sloan estimates that the odds on the new Supreme Court justice being a white male are close to zero, even if that male is Stephen. Paul Rieckhoff wants to make sure returning veterans get education, employment and health care support.

Laurie Garrett warns that the bird virus in Indonesia is 850 times as bad as the swine flu, though the piggies are right outside our door..

Mitchell Joachim imagines soft cars and blimp bumper buses for cities in the future.

Tamara Draut believes industry regulation is necessary now that Americans are using credit for basic necessities.

Ron Howard tells Stephen that "Angels & Demons" is about Robert Langdon saving the church, even though Jesus already did that.

Michael Pollan advises that the best food to eat is anything with less than five ingredients in it.

Stephen calls Yusuf a coward while telling him he loves him at the same time.

Meghan McCain loves the Republican Party and wants to save it from the people trying to make it more extreme.

Walter Kirn believes that putting Ivy League schools like Princeton on the web would show those attending state schools they're not inferior.

Seth Shostak believes that, unless Earth is a miracle, there is most likely life among the trillion planets.

Green Day discusses Wal-Mart's censorship and considers covering one of Stephen's patriotic songs.

After 106 white male Supreme Court justices, Jeffrey Toobin thinks it might be time to change the court dynamics. Byron Dorgan doesn't believe in the kind of banking modernization that caused the Great Depression.

Katty Kay explains the significant value of women in the workplace, even though they work in different ways than men.

Eric Schlosser exposes the bizarre development of science-fiction factory farming systems over the last 30 years.

Dag Soderberg takes the Bible out of the bookshop and onto the coffee table with "Bible Illuminated."

Under direct orders from Commander-in-Chief Barack Obama, General Ray Odierno shaves Stephen's head.

Bill Clinton works tirelessly to find a cure for Stephen Colbert, and the back of Stephen's head sells ad space for AMP Energy.

Stephen identifies with strong military role models because he eats a lot of Admiral Crunch.

Jim Webb's Marine background makes it difficult thank the Army, while Stephen tips his hat to a wrinkle-blasting laser and the contractors who built his set.

Austan Goolsbee believes Barack Obama's policies will fix the auto industry and put Americans in a very happy place.

Karim Sadjadpour believes Mahmoud Ahmadinejad sees his victory as a gift from God and Ayatollah Khomeini. Jim Rogers aims to keep power affordable and reliable while cleaning up the coal industry's large carbon footprint.

Joshua Micah Marshall describes the Talking Points Memo blog as a hybrid of collaborative reader reporting and traditional reporting.

Paul Muldoon and Stephen recite "Tea" together to help it become the number one poem in America.

Simon Schama admits that out of all the countries' histories he's covered, the United States has the greatest.

Howard Dean believes the American government can pay for a public health insurance option because it will generate more jobs. David Kilcullen fights wars by taking a local approach to combat smaller guerrilla movements.

Matthew Crawford explores the dichotomy between "knowledge" work and manual labor.

Jim Fouratt discusses the significance of the Stonewall riots for the gay rights movement and his frustration with Barack Obama.

Neil deGrasse Tyson tries to make science accessible to whomever wants to reach out and touch it.

Alexi Lalas believes the U.S. soccer team definitely has a shot at winning the World Cup. Kevin Mattson discusses the relevance of Jimmy Carter's underappreciated "national malaise" speech.

Nicholas Kristof describes the endocrine disruptors in the water that are causing genital malformations in male animals and humans.

Stephen punches Ed Viesturs' Frequent Everest Card after his seventh climb to the summit of Mount Everest.

If Stephen gets 25,000 votes, Paul Rieckhoff will make him an honorary member of the Iraq and Afghanistan Veterans of America. Paul Krugman says the stimulus package is enough to help, but not enough to cure the economic crisis.

Leymah Gbowee organized a sex strike among women until the Liberian civil war ended.

Douglas Rushkoff discusses the downfalls of operating the world like a corporation and how to weaken corporate influence.

Edmund Andrews explains how he fell victim to the mortgage crisis as a New York Times economics reporter.

Geoffrey Canada can't find any area where white men are being disproportionately victimized. Bob Park doesn't understand why humans need go to space when robots can do a better job.

Aaron Carroll believes the single-payer system will cost less, cover everyone and lead to better outcomes.

Chris Anderson explains how it's possible for companies to make money by providing free services.

Zev Chafets doesn't have a problem with steroid use in baseball, but he is concerned about its cover-up.

Because the guys from Movits! are from Sweden, they're forced to have the same hair length and glasses.

Arianna Huffington was born in the United States, but she cultivated an accent to give herself an air of being an ethnic minority.

Kevin Baker believes President Obama sees what needs to be done but is too reluctant to break with Congress.

Kathryn Bigelow's war movie, "The Hurt Locker," is getting great reviews, despite not having explosions and ear-splitting sound effects.

General Tony Zinni cites David Petraeus, Barack Obama and Richard Branson as examples of great leaders.

According to Kurt Andersen, the economic and health crises give Americans a brief chance to get things where they want them.

Kris Kobach wants to fight illegal immigration on the local level and reward the people willing to come to this country legally.

Meryl Streep won't feel responsible if her role as Julia Child influences kids to think cooking is cool.

Barbara Boxer's new novel, "Blind Trust," is about a liberal California senator involved in a scandal, but it's not a veiled confession.

According to Jonathan Cohn, the health care crisis forces even middle class Americans, who play by the rules, to choose between bankruptcy and medical care.

Mark Johnson explores the way music helps us persevere through struggles with his movement, "Playing for Change."

Mark Devlin sends giant weather balloons into space to learn about galaxies that are billions of light years away.

Bill McKibben urges international leaders to take steps to lower the world's carbon dioxide levels through his 350.org movement.

Robert Wright believes that the three major religions can help God move toward a level of tolerance and compassion.

Ang Lee captures the hope and optimism of tired, dirty kids in his movie, "Taking Woodstock."

Chris Matthews believes American politics would have been completely different without the Kennedys.

Mayor Cory Booker discusses Newark's decreasing crime rate and gives Stephen the right to pee.

Christiane Amanpour is going to make Americans care about the rest of the world with her CNN show "Amanpour".

Stephen asks The Flaming Lips' Wayne Coyne how bad things must be in Oklahoma that "Do You Realize??" is its official rock song.

Frank Bruni talks about mastering his addiction to compulsive eating as a food critic for the New York Times.

Shai Agassi explains his electric car network that's modeled after cell phone plans.

Michael Moore fights capitalism and urges Senate Democrats to stand up for health care reform. AJ Jacobs' life experiments include following all the rules of the Bible, trying to be the most rational person alive and radical honesty.

Ken Burns believes if America didn't have national parks, the Grand Canyon would be lined with mansions and Yosemite would be a gated community.

Sheryl WuDunn believes giving women loans and educating girls is the way to lift developing nations out of poverty.

Matt Latimer, a former speechwriter for the Bush administration, remembers the words he used most when writing for the president.

After offering evidence for evolution, Richard Dawkins wants to see the evidence for God.

Francis Collins informs Stephen that it's going to take time for stem cell research to give him crab claws.

Secretary of Education Arne Duncan wants longer school hours so American students can compete with the rest of the world.

John Darnielle discusses his cheerfully desolate song lyrics and his respect for suicidal mountain goats.

Alison Gopnik says babies are already as smart as they can be and have incredibly powerful ways of learning about the world.

Colin Beavan spent a year making no environmental impact in the hope of finding a way to live that's better for the planet.

Sanjay Gupta wants to intervene in the process of death and possibly reverse it.

Sylvia Earle stresses the importance of doing everything we can to protect the ocean and restore health to the system that takes care of us.

The RZA wants everyone to know that the truth shall set you free from all things.

Thanks to Jerry Mitchell's investigations, four people have gone to jail for crimes they committed in the civil rights era.

Cornel West criticizes Barack Obama out of concern for the poor and working class people.

Randall Balmer refuses to join the Catholic Church because he's suspicious of any religious group that defines itself in negative terms. Gail Collins describes the last 50 years of progress made by American women and the new issues they face today.

Physicist Brian Cox, one of People Magazine's Sexiest Men Alive, discusses relativity and scientific bollocks.

Put Rosanne Cash's new album on your list and drop some cash on it. Bill Simmons believes Wilt Chamberlain was gay and compares Kobe Bryant to Teen Wolf.

Nicholas Thompson describes the lives of two friends -- Paul Nitze and George Kennan -- battling over the U.S. approach to the Cold War.

Andrew Sullivan details Barack Obama's achievements in improved international relations, health care reform and bipartisanship.

Harold Evans talks about being married to Tina Brown, getting knighted by the queen and exposing spies in the British government.

William Bratton works to take the American police force model to emerging democracies and post-conflict nations.

Thomas Campbell explains to Stephen why people come to see art at the Metropolitan Museum of Art.

Maria Shriver feeds Stephen Lovin' Scoopful, her new ice cream that benefits Special Olympics.

Christopher Caldwell says unassimilated Muslim immigrants have disrupted European relations between ethnic groups and the sexes.

Stephen shaves Woody Harrelson's head while they both sing "The Star-Spangled Banner."

Paul Goldberger says buildings bring out our emotions and are part of our most profound memories.

Malcolm Gladwell tries to get people to see connections between their own worlds and worlds outside of theirs.

Norah Jones doesn't like her fans enough to get caught snorting coke in her underwear.

John Pike talks about the popularity of the AK-47 as the Russian designer celebrates his 90th birthday. Elvis Costello will come back and do a song with Stephen when he gets his voice back.

Dan Esty believes President Obama will bring a change in spirit to the United Nations Climate Change Conference. Cevin Soling says public schools have been transformed into prisons because of an overdependence on security.

Brother Guy Consolmagno explains why the Vatican accepts the possibility of alien life. Sherman Alexie criticizes digital technology for taking away the local celebration and appreciation of books.

Craig Watkins tries to bring back credibility to the criminal justice system by overturning wrongful convictions.

Janet Napolitano discusses America's border security and explains why she doesn't believe in the color-coded terror alert level.

Bill T. Jones describes how Fela Kuti fought against the Nigerian government with his music.

Bernie Sanders doesn't want the government to run everything, but he calls for a fairer distribution of wealth and income.

Matt Taibbi discusses Goldman Sachs' unprecedented access and influence on the government.

Lara Logan weighs in on Obama's complex plan in Afghanistan and explains why Osama bin Laden hasn't been captured.

Katherine Reutter wants Stephen to autograph her thigh so she can skate faster. Snoop Dogg works on his acting skills by reading a soap opera script with Stephen.

Stephen wants Alicia Keys to address the suburban crowd in her hit song, "Empire State of Mind."

Tom Brokaw calls the last 10 years the "Oh My God" decade where everything was out of sync with what it had been before.